A true warrior knows how to defend both his and his woman’s marshmallowy goodness from all threats. Which is why, after reading this highly informative and scientifically accurate article, you’ll actually be scoring points with the Mrs – instead of losing them.

I swear, you forget to pick the kids up once from the pool bar and you’re suddenly the bad guy forever. They had free peanuts and their new uncle, Knife Hand, seemed like a really stand-up guy.

Well, with this lofty goal in mind, let’s take a look at this indigenous gauntlet of woe and discover how to overcome all challengers.

Battling the Loch Ness Monster

Let’s face it, Nessie’s got it coming. Loch Ness is a beautiful stretch of fresh water, swarming with fishables, and you’re not going to let that scaly giraffe make you look bad in front of your family. The common story is that she hasn’t been seen in decades but that’s nonsense. Those excuses are told sheepishly by old wives sitting at the fireside, because their husbands failed to defend the family against treats – a fate you won’t be sharing.

Fight Time – You VS the Loch Ness Monster!!

Loch Ness Monster Nessie, ScotlandImage created by ihave3kids via Flickr

Nessie’s got no hands, so firstly – shame on you for starting this fight – and, secondly, all she can do is kind of lunge with that long neck. Being of a somewhat silly design she can’t really bend her neck in near to her body, so all you have to do is distract her while you get in close. Throw some stale, disposable Oreos off to your right and then dive straight in! As long as you don’t hurl the whole packet, with the sell-by date on it, she won’t know they’re old, and she’ll send that pesky neck in the wrong direction.

At this point you’re golden. Grab her neck and swing yourself onto her body and climb up it using the scales as a foothold. Get up to her head and start singing “What Does the Fox Say” as loudly as you can in her ears. As she retreats into the depths for another 10 years, do a triple swan dive and head back to the shore. Make sure you don’t look back as you walk past your wife silently and demand a Guinness.

A Selkie touched me

You may have believed that the Selkie, a mystical seal that transforms into a beautiful seductress, was just a story told by lonely fishermen whose friends knew they stood no chance with a mermaid – but not so. Tales of this salty maiden are spread from Finland to Scotland and Ireland, and many other places ending in ‘land’ as well – all in case the locals forgot what they were naming.

Legend has it that she wants a kiss, or something, but that’s just so she can get close enough to your pockets to loot your S’more supplies. With all the kissing and the thieving, fail here and you’ll lose points to the approximate value of Jupiter with your wife.

Fight Time – You VS a Naughty Seal!!

Our Selkie’s a sneaky one with some devious weapons. You’ll need to watch out for her long, lustrous raven hair, pale flawless skin, pouty and kissable lips as well as deviously bare shoulders. Your first weapon is nose spray. Make sure you shoot up generously every time you spot an innocuous looking seal on those Irish shores. Armed with clear nasal passageways your brain will stand some chance of combating those bare shoulders, due to the nagging sensation that she smells like fermented seaweed.

As she seductively strides towards you, intent on disrupting your matrimony and waylaying your treat collection, quickly throw an inflatable ball towards her nose and clap. Instinct will swiftly have its way with the Selkie and see her attempting to catch your bouncy projectile on her unfamiliar nose. It’s smooth sailing from here! Take lots of pictures and threaten to show her friends to see her skulk off S’moreless. If all else fails then tell her that there’s a shoe sale at Fodor’s – women are women.

The Clurichaun – One night in Ireland

The ClurichaunThe Clurichaun is essentially an alcoholic Leprechaun who doesn’t care much for shoes or odd plant formations. He doesn’t have any buried treasure, because he spent it all on whiskey and women of negotiable affections and, even if he did, he wouldn’t remember where he left it. Think of him as a short, Irish version of your most embarrassing uncle (or Charlie Sheen) and you’ll be well prepared.

The Clurichaun may look jolly, but in the accompanying picture his deep seated, belly laugh occurred, because he’s thinking of your tasty S’mores.

Fight Time – You VS The Clurichaun!!

He’s hammered . . . just go back to the hotel. Why would you fight a tiny sleeping drunk? What’s wrong with you anyway?

Honourable Mention

The Blarney Stone – Ultimate Irish Beast

You may have been wondering why you’ve been clinging to your S’mores so tightly all this time. Besides the fact that they’re a deliciously easy treat to prepare, they’re also the decisive defence against the Emerald Isle’s greatest threat – the Blarney Stone. Despite being born with terminal made-out-of-rockness, this ancient enemy still poses a grievous threat.  It’s been kissed more times than all the Kardashians put together which, unbelievable as it is, must mean that it poses a greater biological hazard than Chernobyl.

Man kissing the Blarney Stone, Blarney CastleImage: A man kissing the Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle, Ireland by Brian Rosner via Flickr

To avoid the temptation of kissing this rock and speaking well . . . blarney for the rest of your much abbreviated existence, pop some S’mores into your mouth-hole. Rack up the man-points with your family as you stand atop Blarney Castle without literally bending backwards over off the edge of a three billion meter drop to molest a chunk of stone.

With your quests completed and your wife in awe you can head back to your placid Irish hotel. You may have to stop along the route a few times in order to allow the locals to erect statues of you, hurl wreathes and offer you their first born. Be selective with the rewards you choose to lug home – even the Aes Sídhe know you can only carry so many children at once.

This article was written by Chris, an avid traveler, and enjoys nothing more than exploring the Irish country side and its hotels.